Delight

My grandparents had a farm in Abbottsford when I was growing up. Some of my fondest childhood memories were my visits there. I remember earning a penny for every slug I cut in half with gardening scissors (and the sick satisfaction of watching their insides gush out), insisting that a loose tooth be yanked out by my grandpa with a pair of pliers because I knew the Canadian tooth fairy was much more generous than her US counterpart, and picking buckets and buckets of raspberries. I also remember distressing times, like getting accidentally locked in a dryer during a hide-and-seek game and almost suffocating to death, or the time I jumped and rolled in an enormous pile of manure because my older brother told me it was dirt and dared me to climb it, and I desperately wanted his approval.

What stands out through all the memories is the tenderness and love my Grandma showed me. I had no doubt that she adored me, and thought I was the cutest, smartest, and funniest little girl ever. I felt so treasured!

My grandma died the summer I turned 22, and her legacy continues to live on. Her love for Jesus was real, and it was clear that He was her best friend and they conversed all day long. After she died I often imagined her joyous meeting with Jesus in heaven. And often when I pray, I imagine her sitting by his side and whispering in his ear, interceding for me, her precious one.

Through the last two years of longing for another baby, and then the joy of finally being pregnant, and then the grief of losing the baby, I took comfort in knowing that my grandma was in heaven and saw my pain. I found hope in knowing someone who I knew adored me and wanted good things for me was in heaven with Jesus, advocating for a happy ending.

At church on Sunday we sang a song we played at our wedding 6 years ago “Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens,” which speaks of God’s love, faithfulness, righteousness, and justice. As I sang, I had a sense that Jesus was whispering in my heart “Your grandma’s love for you and desire to see you have a full and joyous life is just a drop in the bucket compared to how I feel about you. I will redeem this pain and bring about an ending that is more beautiful than all you could ask or imagine.”

I grew up utterly convinced of my Grandma’s love. I realized at church that although I know in my head that Jesus delights in me and loves to give me good gifts, God wanted me to know this truth deep down in my heart.

I saw the musical Lion King a couple weeks ago in Seattle, and during one of the songs, I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. In Simba’s darkest time he sang the song Endless Night with these lyrics:

I know that the night must end
I know that the sun will rise
And I'll hear your voice deep inside

And there in the theatre I felt this truth, this hope, slide down from my head to my heart.

I know deep down that my Grandma adored me, and I am thankful that in my endless night, the Holy Spirit is insistently determined that I know in my deepest core that Jesus delights in me and will bring light into this darkness, redeem this pain, and bring joy in the morning.